Acknowledging before myself that my son had a substance use disorder

God, I’ve failed as a parent!

Ever feel like you failed or are failing as a parent? I sure have felt this way.

When I heard the news that my son was using heroin, at first, I thought I was going to pass out. My body went into shock. Horror filled my mind. I began to shake.

Every part of my body went limp. It felt like I was just punched in the stomach. I went numb. I couldn’t respond.

The best thing I could do at that moment was to take a walk. Walking has always been a way for me to destress and sometimes process things. It gives me a space where I can calm down before I address or deal with situations.

During my walk, my mind was flooded with negative thoughts.

• I failed as a mother.
• I made too many mistakes.
• I wasn’t a good mom. I rehashed all the things I did or didn’t do that could be reasons for this to have happened to him.

And the nagging thoughts kept replaying in my mind: How could I let this happen? Why didn’t I see it? How could I say I really loved him? How were you not there for him somewhere when he needed you?  Why did you did not equip him well enough to not fall into this atrocity?

The accusations just swamped my mind to the point of overwhelming me so much that I thought I would just collapse under the weight of them.

Tears and more tears and more tears poured out of my eyes and down my face like the release of a dam that suddenly lets out all the waters that have been held back for so long. I couldn’t stop crying.

As I walked, cried, and wondered how I could let this happen, I suddenly became aware of all the signposts that I either missed, minimized, ignored, or tried to reason out with him over the years to no avail. Why didn’t I do more? What in the world was wrong with me?

I was a failure. I failed at the most important job in the world, being a mom.

How could I let this happen? I was shaken, broken, devastated and beyond grieved. Regrets filled the space in my brain. They took up so much space that I wasn’t leaving room for anything else to even find a space in my head. This was just part of my process.

As I walked, I began thinking about him from the time he was a baby and all his growing-up years. My heart swelled with love for him and my thoughts were over and over again…how could you let this happen to someone you love so deeply, your own child? How could you not see this?  Why Marlene, why, didn’t you stop this? Why didn’t you step in and do something sooner? What in the world is wrong with you? My brain shouted at me: YOU… ARE… A …FAILURE!!!

It was like the veil was pulled back and I could see what I didn’t want to see. My son had a substance use disorder. You see, I didn’t want to see this truth. Why? Because I would see it as I was a failure as a mom. I let the shame, the accusations, the condemnation, and the fears all block out the reality of the situation for too many years. I told myself he was okay and I’m okay. And now here I was face to face with it. What would I do now?

I had a choice to make, am I going to let all the negative thoughts, all the accusations the enemy was tormenting me with, all the self-doubt, condemnation, unworthiness, shame, and guilt stop me from being the mom he needed most right then? 

Or was I going to find a way to escape back into denial finding some kind of excuse, once again minimizing the situation, or worse yet blaming him or others?

The choice was mine.

What hard choices have you had to make?

I would love to have you share below.